howlin's Blog - page 1

Well some of you may know me but most probably won't, I use to spend a lot of time on here and met some of the best friends I've known but life gets in the way and we get sidetracked for the most part. I'm really hoping to reconnect with a lot of those people from my past here and hope thier all doing well, as for myself I've had a couple mishaps along the way mostly a couple pretty serious motorcycle mishaps a surgery or two and some things we just won't get into this time. Hope to hear from friends from a different time and maybe meet some new folks too. TTYL 👋 Hillbilly aka Howlin

Update fuckers, I'm still alive!?? life happens shit happens life goes on shit keeps Rollin downhill blah blah blah.....what ever happened to Aussie couple?

We all dread that late night call the one when your sound asleep in the morning hours and when the sound of the phone shakes us awake even before we answer you already know somehow its bad, so far this year Ive had two of those calls and hope to not get anymore but know almost its inevitable,the first one was for my mom and though due to her health I knew it was coming I still hated getting it, shortly after that call she left this world but I know finally shes happy again with my Dad.

The second call was completely unexpected and shook me more than I think Ive ever experienced in my life, I was talking to a friend of mine and got a text from Sug all it said was 'I need you' it took me several tries but finally was able to get in touch with her only to find out she had been in a car accident and right then time stood still,my mind went blank,and with every fiber of my being I fought to breathe, the first details were sketchy at best but enough for me to understand that she had been hit due to someone elses negligence,rage set in followed by fear and confusion

At the hospital She layed in her bed cold and covered with a blanket and I just stood and looked at her and rubbed her legs and cried as quietly as possible as not to scare her but inside I was a mess wondering what the xrays and scans might reveal.

The Doctor came to her room and said she had no broken bones, wow what a relief to hear that but the he followed up by saying that with the injuries she did have a broken bone would have been a blessing, he said her recovery will take longer than what a bone would take and she has a hard road ahead of her but I will see her through this no matter what it takes

I did see her car at the tow yard it was dark and rainy when I looked but thats fine because I couldnt see that well and honestly didnt want to see it, I could see the twisted metal smell the gas leaking and the tow truck driver said its not fixable in his opinion, today the insurance adjuster called to talk to her and in the conversation I heard her say 'WOW' when she got off the phone I asked her what that was about she went on to say that while looking at her car they discovered it had literally broke in half under the seats-that really put things in perspective for me hearing that

Shes as tough as nails and will never let you know just how much pain she really feels Ive seen the grimaces in her face from the pain even after her taking her meds but she wont say a word but she will overcome this just like she does anything that gets in her way or tries to slow her down, If you have a chance drop her a message here or elsewhere and give her a little shot of encouragement it goes a long way..and never miss the chance to tell someone you love them..it may be your last chance

Tuesday was my mother's 83rd birthday and it was at best a bittersweet time, Sug reminded of her special day and insisted we have a gift of some kind to give her, on the way she stopped by a store and bought her a blanket as she is always cold it seems and was a very fitting gift for her, she was having supper when we arrived and we had to wait about an hour before seeing her during which time I stood in mom's room and thought about my life spent with her which for the most part wasn't good I must say, this may sound a little bit confusing to those of you that know me and know the sacrifices both I and sugar have made for her but in all honesty I have to say none of it was done solely for her, you see before my dad passed away he asked for my word that I would do my very best to look after her which I have done to the best of my ability. My mother was a very abusive person all my life not so much physically but mentally and I could never quite figure out if she used her words loosely without thought or had she chosen them very carefully to get the full impact of what she said and just didnt care about the pain and scarred memories she inflicted on me as both a child and a man, at 13 she told me on many occasions that it was never her intentions to have me that I was nothing more than a mistake that she had to bare, at 22 during my first marriage she would constantly tell me to never give her grandchildren with the whore I married,more forgotten birthdays and Christmas's than I ever cared to count, and even now as a man Ive heard more times than I want to think about that she never really did love me, these are just a few things that stand out on a list of many,I have bought her a house, land, furniture, given her a substantial amount of money over the years brought her into our home for 19 months the list goes on but I guess looking back it was all in hope of some type of acceptance maybe I dont know, but as I was visiting I had a thought, I'm pretty sure she didnt know either of us when we were there or even understood it was her birthday so maybe thats gods way of protecting someone who has acknowledge their actions and has been forgiven for them, doesnt seem fair really but then what is ya know, then again maybe its all for the best because if anything its taught me to love and appreciate whats really important in life the things money and material things cant fix and thats the feeling of receiving non stop unconditional love from someone that expects nothing in return,I'm a blessed man to have been given the chance to have Sugar in my life and to make memories daily with her and for all the times in my life I felt pain she suppresses it with mountains of love.so to my mom and anyone else in the world that thinks I can be stung with actions and words I now have a shield of protection from all that can be thrown at me and am succeeding in shedding bad memories with new ones

Warning! Be on the look out for this xxxxx. I found it on the tailgate of my truck yesterday afternoon as I was coming out of a gas station. Beware he is grumpy at first until you feed him and supply him with coffee. ALSO he may bite and in his old age he may have rabies. He rambles on for hours about stories of 'driving the big truck' but judging by his scruffy hair, and his flip flops, I would say the reality is, he's a homeless man looking to bum a smoke!!

Some of you already know some may not but heres my story, in 2005 my dad passed away from cancer he new well ahead of time he was terminal and we had some good talks prior to his passing, one conversation in particular we had he asked me to give him my word that after he was gone to look after my mom as best as possible, I agreed and gave him my word to do just that, times have changed and after paying for her assisted living for a while then bringing her to our home for the past 19 months its gotten to be much harder than I ever imagined when I agreed to do this, but hes gone and I cant tell him its too hard and much more than I can do anymore, so what can I do and will he understand if I choose to facilitate her? IDK anymore I do know over the years its cost me a fortune in money and life in general, Ive beat addictions more than once, and because of the lifestyle I live Ill have to live with some of the things Ive done and seen for the rest of my life but to go back on my word is the worst and especially to the one man that gave me and showed me so much in life, can I be forgiven or will this decision haunt me daily for the rest of my life?, its time actually its past time and had I not gave my word it would have been time long before now, I sit and listen to this song and think about this a lot, maybe too much

All that's left now is

Just when you think its safe.......I'm back! bwahahaha

So for the last week or so I've been dealing with an ear ache and as much as I like to come off a hard ass biker when it comes to a cold, flu etc fuck it I'm a whiner what can I say but I realized during the time spent sitting around alone no phone no tv no interruptions that just maybe I've made it

My life has been hard at times and mostly by my own bad decisions and things I'm not proud of but in some crazy way they helped make me who I am today, who I want to be, who I've yearned to be, who I am, and now priorities seem to have came in order, I've beat drug addiction, alcoholism, and in general the wrong lifestyle that few sadly survived, am I proud of it? depends on how you look at it I suppose I'm proud that I've out ran some of the bad but in a strange twist proud that I experienced it because it made me who I am

I've came to understand that Family is who you love not necessarily people who share the same blood type as me, I have Brothers I'll wade through hell for and and Family I'd stop at nothing to protect and at the same time a select few that will never be off my revenge list until I make my own judgement and payback and only then can I be at peace with that.

I've learned its not always my place to bring people of false pretenses to light and how the impact of their own actions are far greater by letting them expose themselves to others than anything I or anyone else can do or say to expose them for who or what they really are

Most of all I've learned what the true meaning of the word "love" really means on many different levels and in different situations how it can be applied, I always had a hard time telling someone I loved them and my biggest regret today is not saying it enough when I should have, this applies mostly to my Father who I lost years ago but I make up for that today with him and many others when an unpredictable wind blows or when sitting alone outside a single bird lands close by and oddly enough when I look down and find a stray coin or nail Its their way of saying "I'm still here and never really left you" I just smile inside and say "Love you too"

Looking back at my life I know after all I've done good and bad I'm in a much better place now than I've ever been, the shakes of addiction have subsided now and the nightmares and sleepless nights of memories from my past aren't as frequent as they once were and I can now surround myself with real people who love me for me and not what I have to offer them is the best feeling in the world

Have I gone soft? that makes me laugh that some will think that and the best answer will be just try me and see or ask any Brother that knows me and see what they have to say about that *still laughing* better yet hurt someone I care about or a child or be dumb enough to lay hands on a woman and you'll know the answer sooner than later

Whats important to me now rarely entered my mind before and I don't take things for granted like I once did, hard living in years past have left their marks on me and today I pay that price for not being very smart and self medicating or not seeking proper treatments for them and let me be the first to tell you it sucks!

Life is good for me I have a woman who loves me for me and that alone is priceless, I have great friends some of which are reading this right now and even my enemies keep a lookout for me, (also some of which are reading this right now lol) so either way its a win

The way I see it is life is really simple once you stop over thinking it, love yourself but love others more, fight for whats important but make others battles your first priority,dont be too quick to judge but dont be fooled, and the one thing I've always lived by thats never let me down, Dont mistake kindness for weakness....

Well enough random thoughts from the hillbilly, stay safe, stay healthy and most of all stay in touch..laters ya'll