Okay here we go. I've had a couple of kind NNers reach out & ask that I update about my life since I posted a couple new pics. Thank you as always for the kindness
A lot of us come here to show off & admire others but the heart of the place is what we really enjoy.
So, August 18th marks two years since my last drink & my Goddess what a strange two years it has been. My life looks entirely different but somehow much the same. I gave up cigarettes a few weeks ago too because it's all about giving up what doesn't serve me & focusing my energy on what does. I'm still largely a hermit. I spend most of my time at home either crocheting or messing with some other craft. I've started trying my hand at wire wrapping but my efforts aren't impressive so far. I also ordered an intricate paint by numbers that is definitely a trial of patience. That has eaten up a lot of my nights most recently.
The good news is that my cats & I are still living independently. It has been a struggle after quitting jobs impulsively twice. I think the job I'm at now is a better fit. I only hope that feeling stays. I find myself a lot quicker to leave situations since I quit drinking. That's great. Perhaps not so much when it comes to jobs though?
The hard side has been dealing with what has come to surface since I gave up the alcohol. I might have touched on it in previous blogs. I didn't reread before starting this one so I'm not sure. I think those of you who knew me/talked to me regularly could see pretty plainly that was I never drinking just to have a good time. I was definitely drinking myself into oblivion in an attempt to keep something buried. That wasn't a secret even from myself. What was secret from me while I was drinking was just how many instances I was burying. I thought it was just one or two things from early childhood. So many painful things have come to surface though. It's an odd place to be. I am enormously grateful for where I am now in my personal journey & I try to keep my perspective rooted in a place of gratitude. But I cannot deny the ungodly level of rage that is bubbling under the surface now that I have the full picture of just what I have actually lived through. Honestly, that also lends itself to being even more grateful to myself though. The fact that I stand where I do under the weight of what I've been carrying for the past 25 years is amazing even to me. I knew about that one my whole life. I blocked out a handful of other assaults from age 16-28 though. The last one at the hands of my ex husband is largely what led to me quitting drinking. I'm happy the details are buried under a blackout but the evidence was clear enough & his own words didn't hide the truth of intent on his end. I've denied this sort of instance in the past decade because bearing the pain of the truth of how many times I have been victimized seems impossible. Even as I sit here typing this, it's obvious I'm skirting around the issue & keeping it vague. I don't want to be entirely honest about the scope of it even now. I can say it is no wonder I have had a series of breakdowns.
Living in this truth has had a confusing impact on my sexuality. The more things came to light, the more I questioned it. How much of what I had enjoyed actually came from years of grooming & multiple traumas? Should I turn away from those things now? Should I allow myself to enjoy them anyway? Which one of those options is actually overcoming the trauma more? I still don't entirely know. I talked this over with a boy I sometimes see recently & he had a level headed bit of advice that basically boiled down to, stop overthinking it if it isn't having a negative impact on your life now. And they don't. Mostly. But there is that rage bubbling underneath. I could be perfectly enjoying a moment of submission & then in comes the thought of how I got to enjoy these things. I cannot describe how that feels. Fine enough because really I've been feeling more dominant for the past few years & only fall into the old role out of habit. I used to be unable to go without sex without going insane. I've worked through most of the anger centered around the particular grooming P.O.S.(bonus for you if you remember when he had an account here too...). So now I'm not bothered really to go months or at least weeks without any sexual contact. At first I was sad when my sex drive seemed to be fading. Now I feel empowered by the fact I don't *need* it. And when I am able to be entirely in the moment & present, it is so rewarding & so far from what I experienced throughout my teen years & twenties.
Of course I am human so I miss intimacy & human connection. I've tried to make a relationship work once or twice but have to admit I was really just settling. It doesn't take long for me to force myself to admit that I am not entirely satisfied. And after what I've lived through, I'll be damned if I'm going to tie myself down to someone who doesn't actually fulfill my needs AND motivate me. Too many people are happy to just walk around in zombie mode their entire life trying to live out the script society handed them. Well fuck society & fuck their desire to keep us distracted & divided. I'm not as close as I would like to be to feeling like I'm fulfilling a purpose. But I'm awake. And for now, that is enough. Really it is. Fuck. My last therapist gave me a bit of a rude wake up call when she told me I had to stop comparing myself to people who grew up in healthy households with parents who loved them. She wasn't wrong. I was disadvantaged by a terrible chain of traumas & never wanted to really admit that because I thought somehow it undercut the story of my strength. I still struggle with this. I hold myself to high of a standard & internally beat myself up on a lot of days for shit like not keeping up perfectly with housework. But the truth is, my focus is & has been for a long time inward. And that's not wrong. I've a lot of healing still to do. Life will never be sunshine & rainbows. That'd be tedious anyway. But I will continue to strive for a healthier life for myself. Mind, body & soul. I can honestly say my number one priority in life is my Self. Without shame or embarrassment, that is the truth. I've known for years now I didn't want kids. I question now if I'll ever remarry. And it's ok if I don't. When I picture myself in the far future, I don't see anyone beside me. I see myself standing even stronger & even more true to myself. And that vision makes me happy enough.
