kricket187's Blog - page 11

So today I had to make the 1.5 hour drive to what was once my "hometown". I only claim it as such since being a military brat, it was where I spent the most years. I stopped by my high school....just to see what it looked like now. Sitting in the parking lot, staring at the main building (now....when I went, it was the ONLY building) I got to remembering. And oh, how I wish I could somehow talk to 15,16,17, and 18 year old Krick.

I'd tell her that adulthood is NOTHING like she thinks it's going to be. It's not glamourous, not the 24 hour party. There's bills, and overtime, taxes, health insurance, and house payments. Fuck up as much as you can now.....because later a fuck up is MUCH bigger. But I'll tell her that eventually, she'll love the most simple of things. Wouldn't it mortify her to know one day she's going to spend 15 hours on a pier not catching anything, but still having the time of her life, just because she's fishing?

I'd tell her that her very first girlfriend is going to cheat on her with the ONLY boy she's found attractive. But I'll tell her to do it anyways. Because that very first experimental relationship opened her heart and her mind to so many things. And that broken heart was just one of many.

I'd tell her that she doesn't have to try so hard to alienate herself from those cheerleader-prom queens. In a few years, tattoos, piercings, and that crazy hair she insists on having will actually become normal. I'll also giggle as I tell her that most of those perfect girls are now not so very perfect, living lives that are far less then what anyone expected. Case in point, lil Kricket? Your senior year's prom queen? The one who laughed at your knee high socks and combat boots, and called you trash? Just had her 5 kids (by 5 different men) taken away by CPS when the cops raided her house and found a meth lab. There. Doesn't that feel better?

I'd tell her to stop hating her body, or lack thereof. I'd let her in on the secret that she's a late bloomer, and eventually, that flat chest and ass would fill out nicely, so much so that people all over the globe would be drooling over pics of her. And one day....years from now, she'll be so comfortable in her skin, she'll actually WANT to go to the beach. Because this time, she won't be wearing long shorts and a tee shirt, but a bikini. And rocking it. Hard.

I'd tell her that the drugs were not her friend, and she'd have just as much fun without them (and prolly remember more). And I'd tell her that those cuts she's making on her arms and legs aren't going to make anything better......just make me have to come up with stupid lies to explain the scars later.

I would NOT tell her about the two failed marriages we had. Because If I stopped her,we would miss out on the good bits of them. Where we loved, and were loved. And possibly, we would miss out on finding that ultimate love....

I will ALSO not tell her that she is head over heels with a backwoods, hillbilly country boy who likes to shoot and fish. She'd prolly kick my ass.

Tho I think she would be jealous of my hair. She always wanted to do it, but didn't have the balls. I'd like to show her what it's like to live without giving a shit what people think. For real.....not the pretending she does. To actually give not a single fuck..... it's the freedom she wanted. I'd like to show her that she achieved it.

Saw this and thought it fit NN so very perfectly, just hadda share





In 3-day weekend news: Had a lazy day yesterday. Had a lovely deep tissue massage today, and got another wonderful day planned.

I'm done. 100% beat up from the feet up. I figured out I've had ONE day off in the past 14, and two days off in the past 21. I. Am. Done.

Thank GAWD it's slowed down. This next weekend, Labor day, is our last hurrah, and my boss has kindly, so very kindly, given me Thursday and Friday of this week off, and Saturday and Tuesday of next week off. .........THREE DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!! ON A HOLIDAY WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, ya'll....I need it. Desperately.

I take my test for Asst. Manager on the 12th. Been studying like mad. Ma CB comes into town on the 11th. I've requested four days off in a row while CB's here. Boss was like...."But that's when I'm taking my vacation..." O.O

Dude, You JUST took a two week vacation not even a month ago, and had one of our full timers off that week and a half too. True story. The bakery will survive JUS fine for four days without me. I'm NOT EVEN AN ASSISTANT YET! lmfao....

Already told him if I'm not scheduled off, I'll just get a late summer cold and be calling in. Plan on it. I am in desperate need of some one-on-one time with my lover.

I know a few of you were expecting something of a different blog. But I took what a dear friend of mine said in passing, and thought on it. I will try (oh, so very fucking hard) to take the high road...... We'll see how well it works for now Until then, roll on Thursday!!!!

I've read so many articals saying if a child becomes a criminal, or an alcoholic, or aggressive towards their spouse (I can't limit this to woman beating, plenty of women beat their men).....well, all of this is due to their upbringing, or simple genetics. If your father beat your mother, you will....in turn, beat your wife. If your parent(s) were abusing drugs or alcohol, then so will you.

I don't understand this logic. If you were violated as a child you will, in turn, voilate another child?

None of it washes. And it won't for me. We, as human beings, have to undergo some of the most mentally tortourious experiences thought of. But we are still, intrensicly, ourselves. Once we are away from the abuse, we have a choice to wallow in it, or move the fuck on. I will admit it takes strength, and some of the abused might have had that strength beaten out of them. But one way or another, I would hope there's a glimmer of hope....a glimmer of fight.

I can not, in good concience , condone the victem mentality..... Now, I've only had to experience a quarter of this, but still. It might be heartles, it might be wrong, but.....at some point in life you have to do for yourself. At some point in your life you have to stop pointing fingers at other people, and take control, ans responsabiity for your own life and actions.....

I just went off on a super kricket sized rant. Ty for putting up with it.

I'm super tired.....been working like a madwoman, but all for a good cause. And, really, it's good for me to get back into the habit. Managers are scheduled for 50 hour weeks, so a 60 hour week shouldn't phase me.

I couldn't do it at all if I didn't have ma darlin to cling to, to lean on. He is and will forever be my rock. I get to see him again in 19 days. Ya'll have no idea how CB just makes everything better......I can't wait to have him in my arms.

NOT saying the next bit of time will be easy. It never is. But this is the first time I've- had someone who will actually work, and fight with me.

I am so very spoiled now. I love it. And I love my CB. So many more happy updates coming soon.....

My last blog (Aug 12) was posted on my last day off. It's now the 17th. And yeah.....I'm fucking tired.

What makes me wanna curl up in a ball is my NEXT day off is Monday. AWESOME! I'm almost there!!

.....Until my boss asked me to work Monday......*crumples into a heap* Of COURSE I will! But FFS.... just ONE day off!!! in an even 12 days or so.......JUST ONE!!!!!!!!

I wore holes into the bottom of my work shoes since I bought them in March. Been trying to go buy new shoes since last week, but I keep getting days off grabbed away. It's almost like I'm management already.....

Sooooo much b.s. has happened in NN land. And for once I'm happier than a pig in shit to NOT know what all has gone down. Know this. I ain't going anywhere. Here's why:
1. I PAID for my premium membership, so I will be here until it runs out or until my account get's deleted. I've been going out of my way to NOT cross the lines and get the ban hammer, but FUCK it's been hard.

2. I have EARNED enough nudles to buy myself or someone else another lifetime of premium. I have given most of them away, in an attempt to bolster the site's membership.

3. I have people here, on this site that I care about. Some have left, and I've been lucky enough to have other options of contacting them.

4. I am NOT leaving NN until I'm thrown the fuck out, or until I can help make it the place it was when I joined. I loved this site. It was awesome. I'm sorry only a handful of you reading this know what it was. But I honestly have faith that it'll come back.

Maybe I'm hanging onto a dying dog here. Don't know. Don't care. I stay.

I was going to wait until October, and try to auction off my hair when my mom does. But that's at her church, of which I'm not a member, so why would anyone pay to see me chop ma hair off?

So, last night I got a wild hair (ha-ha) and was talkin to Meanie about maybe chopping it all off today. He was all for it.

The last time, if you remember, I got it cut to about chin length. And it was cute. But I've been wanting something.....drastic...something.....epic.... something.... I wouldn't have even thought about doing in my previous life.

Well folks... here's the before:


Yep. That's the Krick you all know and love. Long flowing locks. Kinda my shield... I've always hidden behind my hair. No more. True story, I can't. LOL! On the plus side, I now have 24 inches of hair to donate to locks of love, which will put me over 12 feet donated. Locks of Love, if you are unaware, is a company that accepts donations of hair and uses it to make wigs for children with cancer who can't afford to buy one. Might as well since it's just going to go into the trash anyway, right?

Anyway....ya'll ready to see the new, improved, fearless, STRONG Kricket????

Feast your eyes:


Punk Fuckin RAWK!

I've been back with my company for officially two months now. It has been insane the past two weeks. My manager has been on vacation, and my asst. manager is on light/restricted duty (she only works 20 hours a week). Well. That leaves a LOT of time where there's no leadership/direction what-so-ever in the dept. It's been kind of....unofficially and unspoken, that I'd cover it.

It's been....omg. Stressful. Irritating. Just.....wow. I will hand it to the crew. With the exception of one, (and he's an asshole who is lazy, worthless, and a general POS) they've all come to accept me in a leadership role. They listen when I ask them to do something, and all of them have stepped up in some way, be it staying late, coming in early, or taking on additional work that isn't their "job". Well...except jackfuck. But who needs him, right?

I've always lead by example, so when they see me work through lunch, so I can finish my mixing and help them decorate or pack out, they notice. I can honestly say this crew has worked harder in the past two weeks than I've seen them work in the past two months.

Manager is back tomorrow. I've got two days off (today and tomorrow). And actually, I had been expecting to be called in today. I'd noticed on the schedule that there was no mixer scheduled for today. But after 100+ hours in the past two weeks, just couldn't be arsed to point it out to anyone. Figured they'd call me in. My crew did one better. When the mid-shift guy came in, he saw there was no one mixing. The only other mixer is jackfuck. Who is scheduled to close tonight. Asst. Manager told mid-shifter to call me, and see if I'd come in to mix. Instead, he called jackfuck, and told him to come in and mix. He (the mid-shifter) would come back in to close. *grins* Even though he has to be back in the bakery at 5am tomorrow morning after getting off at 12pm or so tonight.

When the store manager asked him why he did that rather than just call me in, he replied, "Man, she REALLY deserves a day off."

I seriously heart this crew!

It's been a bit, huh? I've been logging 10-12 hours a day at work. So when I get home, it's just.......zone. I don't think I've even logged into NN 5 times since my last blog, really only logged in tonight to share a milestone...

8 days from today will mark 6 months since I've wanted to or have Self-harmed/seriously contemplated suicide. I don't even think about either really.

We are all a product of our environment. If you don't like the product, change your environment.