mywetknickers's Blog

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.


I woke this morning with a huge correction.

An Irish Fisherman


It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman,
so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky,
the gentleman asked,
‘And how many have you caught?

You're the eighth.'

BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW JERSEY...
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is
considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and
it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to
ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
11. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
12. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during
rush-hour traffic in New Jersey
13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someonechanging a tire.
14. Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
15. It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at
cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
16. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
17. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is
to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
18. Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
19. Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
20. In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500.
So they do.
Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. '
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the apartment,
I was under the impression that:

it had never been occupied;
that there was plenty of heat;
that is was small enough to make me cozy
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied,
that there wasn't any heat,
and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note,
the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat,
there is plenty of it,
if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space,
the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be xxxxxx to contact your present landlady!

Whats Your Work Place Like?

NEW EMPLOYEE MANUAL
DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing £250 Prada sneakers and carrying a £300 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS: All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan 1, Jan 26 and Dec 25.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm, " he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough? "
Then he gets an idea.
He calls his father.
"Dad, " he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk! "
"That's absolutely amazing! " his father says. "How do I get him in that program? "
"Just send him down here with $1000, " the boy says, "I'll get him into the course. "
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son? " his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm, " he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ! "
"READ! ? " says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? "
"Just send $2, 500, I'll get him in the class. " . . . And his father sends the money.
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited.
"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something! "
"Dad, " the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street? ' "
The father says, "Oh, shit; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad! "
"That's my boy! "

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top
of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,worried about what her son has seen,she dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks'
"What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies
"Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time."
say's the boy
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and
gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

A little girl asked her mother, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around
the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?"
asked the child. " Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you".
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take
care of that problem, You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only
go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so
another dog is pushing her home".

What is the point of sending a friends request out when you remove your self less the 24 hours later after being accpeted.
So far have had over 10 do that in the last week.

Logged on today and fount out some of our photos had been removed.
Posted this in status and had a reply from NN themself that they were they were removed in error. He also said this "for reference of mods - as the profile is not verified and the "friend" is unidentifiable these pics are ok"

Big thanks to the guy for restoreing them and we have now posted somemore from that set where we have one of the old NN signs with us.