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Friday, January 18, 2013, 11:30:26 AM- The Nymphomaniacs convention...... | ||||||
A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport's Terminal 5 for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. 'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or vacation?' She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.' He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?' 'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.' 'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?' 'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.' Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really shouldn't be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name!' 'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.' | ||||||
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Thursday, January 17, 2013, 1:37:44 PM- Tanjooberrymutts...... | ||||||
By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS". And then you will be ready to take on China ! Believe me... You WILL understand!!! Here goes... The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a Hotel guest & room-service in China ... Room Service: "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." Room Service: " Rye , Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to Oddor sunteen?" Guest: "Uh... Yes, I'd like to order bacon & eggs." Room Service: "Ow ulai den?" Guest: " .....What??" Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?" Guest: "What?" Room Service: "An toes. Ulai sahn toes?" Guest: "I.... Don't think so.." RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means." RoomService: "Toes! Toes!... Why Uoo don wan toes?... Ow bow anglish moppin we botter?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RoomService: "We botter?" Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side." RoomService: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side." RoomService: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" RoomService: "Copy.. Tea... Meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything." RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh & copy... Rye ??" Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I did say "By the time you read through this... .. YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' And you do, don't you! ;o) | ||||||
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Wednesday, January 16, 2013, 3:02:17 PM- Pasta....... | ||||||
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. one night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told to simply mail a post card, and write' Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' you received a very strange post card., 'Oh just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written; Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. | ||||||
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013, 4:21:20 PM- WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 !!! | ||||||
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......." | ||||||
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Tuesday, January 15, 2013, 8:53:40 AM- I love little Johnny....... | ||||||
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the rest room?" the teacher asked. "Just a minute, I have to go pee", he said. The teacher replied," That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Paul, how would you say it? "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back" The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very mannerly to say the word 'bathroom' at the table. And you Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once, and show us your good manners? "Without hesitation Little Johnny said: "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner." The teacher fainted. | ||||||
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Monday, January 14, 2013, 1:29:31 PM- A Scotsman.... | ||||||
A Scotsman is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry, " says the Scotsman and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough she opens her legs and her pussy blows him a kiss. Wee Hughie, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else her pussy can do. "I can also make it wink, " says the woman. The Scotsman stares in amazement as her pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The Scotsman moves over and she asks, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, The Scotsman replies, "Good grief woman! Can it whistle, too?" | ||||||
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Sunday, January 13, 2013, 9:36:06 PM- Old age has its advantages.... | ||||||
Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?"...... "SEX!!" he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while. "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, and then unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?" Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinsons" ;o) | ||||||
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Saturday, January 12, 2013, 9:58:27 PM- Pharmacology lesson..... | ||||||
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. | ||||||
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Friday, January 11, 2013, 1:34:15 PM- Moral to this tale...... | ||||||
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on,surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give you ahead start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit...third gay rooster I bought this month." Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! | ||||||
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Thursday, January 10, 2013, 2:47:10 PM- Does this sound true??? | ||||||
How To Shower Like a Woman... Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING CAUSE MOST OF IT'S TRUE!!!!!! ;o) | ||||||
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