tam's Blog

it's been a crazy year. life has changed, within me. discovered being bi for real and really, finally accepting it, which i did not ever do. accepting parts of me...er...well not just physical, that just are and tha's part of the whole, whether others like it or not, discovering who i am, past issues dealing with, and just dealing with life. wasn't on here so much but now will try to be, sometimes eyes act up so i can't go online...pisses me off cause when eyes hurt i can't look at pics. now THAT my dear is a sin. hehe.

kid grows up, hubby grows up, and i grow up. keeping my job, but will be looking for something else soon i think.

accepting more about who i am and what i want from life, and that it's okay, it really is okay to be a sex fiend, even if it is 'only' pervin on here...which i think i will always do, whether i post any more pics or not. it's tuff taking pics of oneself that are not the same old thing, so i don't post many. wouldn't wanna bore ya all...o for a camera with a tripod...

so good to see still here some of the folks i knew of two years ago. something familiar, in a world that does not stay that way.

thinking of going back to college for AA...don't have that much more to go for it. we'll see. and wishing i could be involved with G and L rights, but i think i push it just being here, sometimes one cannot follow their dreams if it means hurting others, so i don't know if that will ever be reality. coming out fully threatens what is, and i don't want to do that, yet so many need to be heard, helped and understood. would love to someday work with a group for DBT therapy and help ppl that way. it is an amazing therapy to work with ppl on their thots and to help them keep mellow and find what life really is, without 'tudes ruining their lives. would love to publish a book. want to learn painting...or at least fake it...orrrrrr maybe body painting. ooo that would be fun. the body is a canvas and such a beautiful one. want to keep writing songs and someday maybe gettin someone to use them, or sing em myself if i can stop smoking...it so ruins the voice. someday, always someday...but hope for dreams gives a reason to carry on and keep fighting to be in this world.

o yeah. want another tatt. A dolphin. rather fond of the critters. wonder if it is cause i like the group LIVE. The guys in the group are soooooo cute, and they rock!

think i'd like to invent something that gets rid of hair. shaving sux, and takes too long to do it right....or....just make sure my camera is set on 'fuzzy'...blurry that is...hehe. so noone will notice a spare hair here or there.

okayyyy now i am getting silly. time to get back to reality.
just wanted to say hi to ya all and let you know i am still in the land of the living.

life is to live, not merely survive.

my saying.

the other side hopefully a stronger person.
the evolution of tam has begun, and i don't always like it.

i find i like grrls better, and it's quite a strange thing, changing the way i think of myself...i mean i called myself bi, but didn't realise deep within me how real it is, and it's majorly causing me hell...and at my age, i am finding alot of gals are going through the same thing.

Still stuck on a guy i like, have been for years, but maybe once i find a gal to be friends with, i can let him go...or stay friends if he thinks he can deal with it...tha's all we ever were anyways, but damn.

Looking for other work, i can't keep dong what i am doing, due to my eyesignt and sanity, but it's hard to figure out what i can do.

trying to be kind to my spouse while i find out who i am, and treasure what we have, but i feel like such a jerk for figuring out who i am so late. it isn't fair sometimes to those you love, when you realise how things are. i'm not looking for anyone else tho...too much complications. I can't deal with any more in my life now.

my kid is grown up...basicly. i feel lost with that change.

so many changes, so goddamn many, and i can't keep up with them.

but it is healing to accept oneself, as much as i can for now, and see where life leads me.

I'm not on here alot any more, but i am trying to get back into the perv mentality...i know it is good for me. heheh.

later gators, just wanted to say where my head is at, in case some of you wonder where i have been.

I'm sorry if i don't respond to guys' pms much...transition is confusing me and i dont' want to start something i will not finish.

but have yet to be put on schedule...soooooo...still out a-looking ....for JOBS...what did you think i meant? lol.

Well, lately i have been having the wildest dreams...about me and two guys...or two girls. Damn! Is it evolving...or just the perving here that is getting to me in a big way? Esp looking at girls more. Nothing against guys tho...o no...not at all...just ....wishing. *sigh*. Maybe someday...but at least my mind can be my playground if it never happens.

This time of year is exciting...with holidays coming...both sad, due to loss, but good due to silliness. Halloween and dressing cutsie. I got a costume...we'll see if i can 'use' it in a pic for NN. ;P Never time to take pics of late. I hope it doesn't mean i am turning ...gasp!...shy!

I look back at comments made, when i feel down about myself. I look at pm s and smile at the sweeties who still keep in touch with me. I may not comment, but i read, and i remember, and i treasure you folks here.

I know i will do one for Christmas...an elfish one, naughty...hehe...but not yet.

Gotta go, but i will comment again if i think of anything good...or maybeeeeee maybe write another naughty to post under stories...i gotta think on that for awhile...to see how bad i can be...no use posting something if it doesn't get ya all wet and hot and bothered. Hehe.

xoxoxoxo

Meeeeeeee

Well, friend of mine no longer seems to talk to me any
more...he's off doing his own thing i guess....i told him
that he would...guess noone ever believes me. And the other one just can't be bothered unless i do the calling. O well, i still
have friends here, and tha's what counts, even when real life ones letcha down. Perving less but enjoying it more. lol.

I might be able to get my old job back. Apprehensive about it, but also if they play fair this time, i should be able to stay there. I hope so. Seems in my life these days...money talks and lots of bullshit walks.

It's about letting go of alot of things, this time of year...dreams that didn't happen, friends, family even sometimes.
It sux, but i keep being told that it is to make room for better
friends, dreams, things and family. Out with the old...sigh. Hard for me to do. I hate change. My buddy neighbor is moving. I hshall miss them, but it is for their good and that is why i have had to let many people go this year.

Well, off to look at pics/vids...so glad i'm paid member, so i can see the vids. Some of the folks out there are amazing! And the rest are good too tho.

will i march with it, or be left behind? Will i face that my time
is done and it's time for the younger folks to do what i did not or could not? I won't roll over and play dead, if i did i would not be here, posting pictures, screaming that i am still alive and still of value and still sexy and not to be tossed on the has-been pile just cause i'm not 20 and innocent and able to bat my eyes and say all the things people want to hear. Or just because i am not willing to take without thot, not caring who i hurt or what changes i could make in a person because of that taking, how i could mess up their lives, (or make things better for them...which is what i hoped to do.) O well... Noone owns anyone. They just think they do, to feel secure. There is no security. People are together as long as they need to be, and when they move on, we must adapt.

I tell the truth, I've earned that right, with age, with time.
I won't play those games, and those who like them are superficial assholes, feeding their egos instead of their hearts,
and looking to find someone they can mold as they will...unwilling to accept people as they are, but only what they want them to be.

Getting older has it's good points...but sometimes i
find it hard to see them. Esp right now.

I look to the young, and see the chances ahead of them,
and i look back on wasted chances and years in my life. What i didn't have the gutts to do, how i tried to fit in so i lost parts of myself. I want them back. I did what i was told to do...
but it didn't make me happy. I tried to be normal and obey the rules, 'it will make you happy, fulfilled, and a decent member of
society'. OKay. yeah. And....?

I have to let my friend go, to do his own thing. I can't see him, tho i want to, i can't go out and hang out and have memories any more of walking and talking and laffing, and being.
I can't be there for him, except on the Net, to listen to the fun he has elsewhere, to comfort if i can when times get ruff, but i cannot be there for him really, and i have to face that, and he must live amomgst the 'real world'. He goes out
with others and has memories and friends, and am glad for him,
but because i did what was 'right', i will not be part of any of
that. I didn't go after what i wanted, because i gave a shit re his feelings. Another regret, just a bit. I don't want to use people, but also, I will always wonder. No guilt, but i will always wonder. I miss him. I have to get over that. So lucky, those who are part of his world. People are not interchangible.
When one goes, there is a hole. It has to heal. I got too close.
I should not have. I didn't take into concideration that things change, and you can't hold someone back, you have to let them go, even if it kills you. Mourn, move on, and live.

If one does not live their truth, if they do what is 'right', and yet it eats at their self confidence and makes them wonder what is wrong with them, if they are/were not enuff, what help is it? Being good means being good to oneself too...being true. I don't advocate folks sleeping with everything that walks, not caring about spouses.
Tha's not what i mean. I wouldn't hurt mine for anything. But what does one do then? Coming here helps alot. Posting helps alot. I don't feel like every single thing is too late for me to know, do, feel. I was brave and did what i wanted, coming here, learning from others, posting thoughts, pics, letting others know they are hot, in a non-threatening way, so i am safe, but can still be me. I wonder how many others feel that here. A safe place, to feel, to want, to express, to share. To be appreciated, and to appreciate, but without harming anyone.

The one thing my friend gave me...telling me of this place, is the very tool that will help me get through. It will help me 'forget' him, as others advise me to do...i wonder, if that is for their own agendas they do that, or just because we come from a society that doesn't allow us to grieve for long.

One can be lonely even with friends and family, cause one person alone cannot and should not have to fill up a soul in search of meaning. It has to come from within. People help us, but we have to measure our worth not by what we have, or do, or who we screw or 'screw under.' We are complete in ourselves...without anyone, those others are in our lives not because we need them, but because we choose, they choose to share our lives. We help each other, but ultimately, we walk this road alone. Still, i know this...but i bought into the ego stuff that women do to get and keep a man, to prove they are sexy or better cause they don't like themselves very much and for a moment it makes them feel good to 'win'. Becoming invisble as older gals often do, just brings up the same shit we've been fed and thot we were beyond.

Here everyone gets a fair shake. If guys like heavy gals, they don't need to be laffed at by the 'real men' out there, who are told what they should like and so only fit their eyes on a small percentage of women , thin ones, young ones, etc. and miss out.
They so miss out. On wisdom, on friendships, on healing, on people who are so very alive, even tho older or not perfect, or not 'educated' enuff or who don't go to the right places, dress fancy or have money. Cut it down gang to the bottom line, the core of who we all are. What do you see? Who are you really?
Does all the rest matter? Can you be replaced, when there is noone else like you? Our beauty is in the fact we are different, and each brings something special to others, by their just being here.

So, the rant goes on...hehe. I feel the layers being pulled off me, it hurts, but then i get down to what really matters, and who i am meant to be. Wonder what i will 'look' like when all the crud, illusions, dirt from past pains, cruelties, losses and
confusion is gone. I'll feel lighter, and after the pain of change stops, then i can look at what i have become, and get rid of burdens i no longer want to carry. Tha's freedom.

someone stole my purse and important stuff in it...and a ring that someone gave me that i treasured. I can replace fairly easily everything, but i cannot replace that and am sick over it.
It was a way he was near even tho far, and it seemed to tell a silly story to me.

I am so angry and helpless-feeling, that i needed to reclaim my power and my 'self' that i felt was taken too, so i posted more pics today, even one of the hated tummy.

Found out a friend i thot was terminally ill made it after all.
I needed good news to cheer me up...moping around all day depressed as hel, pissed and nothing i can do. What a fiasco, having to replace checks, cards, makeup, and to lose pics and things from people i can't get back, plus personal info.

Went out and got a coffee to cheer me up.

Thank god my camera...such as it is...wasn't in there, or fone or keys. Or any toys...hehe.

Gotta have a sense of humor when life kicks us, or we would not make it.

I'm pissed too cause i have testing stuff in there...am diabetic.
So now gotta go through the crap of getting more...and no insurance sooooo maybe get lucky tho.

So...tmi about me...but the more i reveal, the more maybe, just maybe others can feel free to be freer here too, and find a place of safety and fun in a cruel...or at least stupid...world.

I find that is an interesting part of the anatomy that gets
neglected. lol. I intend to post one eventually. I hope a few people post some too. Yummmmm, love to kiss the neck and lick it...no biting...I am not into hurting anyone. So many sexy people on NN, I think I must go mad from 'perving' as it is called here. lol.

I got on a roll of posting pics tonite. Don't know what came
over me...I went nuts. It was great fun...I did take some full-length pics, but hated every one...they are hard to take too. I can't seem to get the angle right either.

When i get some money, will work on getting a better camera...would like to make some vids with sound sometime,
and be able to take better pics. Have a few of you who would like
to see the 'whole enchilada' so someday....someday.

This place is my new hobby. Sometimes I feel like telling people I know and just 'come out' about my new passion...yet a part of me wants to keep THIS part of me separate. I mean, they know I am a sex fiend...tha's not the problem, it's like I want to keep this separate, just for the folks here, and not include people I
know...guess I don't want them to get to know me THAT well. Weird, I guess.

I write, as well...and someday hope to be published, and unless it is 'naughty' stories...I really don't think it would be good too many folks know of my posting etc here...some know I am bi,
and some are pretty accepting of my behavior in many ways, I just don't want to be thought of as 'less' by some who might just judge me, yet there is a part of me that loves the 'exposure' and being free at last to express what I think and feel and want and dream of in this most personal part of my life. You all have no idea what you have done for me. You could not possibly know. In my times of fear and stress and just dislike of my changing bod at times, I post something here, whether comment or pic, and I get good reviews and it still...STILL amazes me, and makes me feel better.

Some of you are friends...not close ones, but you have made me welcome here and it's such fun to try new things...a creative outlet I never would have thought of a little less than a year ago. I dunno I think in Oct or Nove is my first year here. Was feeling down about my bday and feeling older and just fed up with the same old things, way of life, way of thinking, way of living. Some of the comments I have made I would be a bit embarrassed for some folks I know to read, even tho I could be worse, my worse, I think. ;P

I think, in part, we are here to encourage one another to 'keep on keepin on.' Keep fighting for life, for joy, to be free in our hearts and minds and be the best we can be...not some bunch of sickos as some might think...we are free-thinkers, many of us,
and not just the 'average' folk in some ways, even as we are every man and every woman, acceptable as we are, and beautiful each in our own wild wonderful way.

I get scared sometimes in chat, some folks come on strong and seem to get pissed if I won't cam or whatever, but tha's not me.
I like to talk to folks tho...and nice a couple gals actually liked my pics...not that I am complaining about the men...o no!

Gotta watch it too, cause I want to get work, and to advertise being here is not a good idea for that reason either. Some of us must be somewhat discrete, the real world does make us pay the cost for being different, curious and alive in this way.

I wonder how many of us have to try to fit in taking pics in the dead of nite, when everyone is asleep, so noone knows what we are up to. I wonder how many of us, so free here would get hell if family or friends knew this part of us...if they even could appreciate it for what it is to some of us...a way to say 'i am still here, I am still alive and vital and sexy and fun and life didn't stop when I took on the responsibilities of adulthood.' It's a way to declare our value, in a world of such limited ideas of what makes a man or woman. Beauty, youth, money-making capabilities, nurturing and kind and never, ever selfish...but what is the matter with that sometimes? I can freely admit I am.
I want attention and to be well thought of, and in the 'real world' that is not always possible...I don't fit the ideal of what folks 'deserve' that wonderful thing. How many others here go through that too. Here is a place we ARE thought of as beautiful and sexy and alive, and our value isn't measured by how much we make, what we have or what we 'do'.

Tha's my 'take' on life, and I'm sticking to it.


T

just a bitty one on shoulder blade of an Anhk...egyptian symbol
for life. I love it...something different. I wanna get one later of my sun sign too, and maybe one more...we'll see. Wanted to get a piercing but folks tell me certain places hurt big time to get done, and i'd be embarrassed i think. We'll see...never say never tho...amazed at the things i find myself doing. I want to live...my bro passing away makes me appreciate life more...or at least i am trying to. I was a bit of a baby...real scared to get a tatt, so i began to tell a story i made up about a fish. I think the tatt guy was amused...and it distracted me. Talking non-stop is wonderful for keeping pain at bay. Or fear. Or to give someone else a dumb story about 'what happened at work today'.

Thank you, JP, for the kind words. I just might post the 'whole enchilada' someday of me. heheheh. I'm not able to do it by self tho...so if i ever see my friend again i will recruit him i think to help me out...someday. hehe.

I miss photography...my way that is. lol...and would love to 'dress up'. Think it would be fun to do fantasy type stuff,
like schoolteacher or maid or nurse or...well, hel, you get the idea...around Halloween maybe can rent something. We'll see if i get a job by then. Being playful costs money, dang it.

I went and looked in NN's online store and some of their toys look very interesting!!!!! I wonder if tha's where LHS got her glass toy she is fond of. I want one now! Never seen them anywhere else before. There are a couple more that look interesting, and if i ever get em, i'll do what they say, and post it. Another someday i quess.

Feeling happier than i have in some time...Camille's has wonderful mocha frappichino things and altho i shouldn't really have em...i do whenever near there....or Starbucks sometimes.
Coffee rocks!

Other than that, getting tile put down, trying to catch a persistant mouse that just won't get the hint to leave, and dealing with life. Thinking of writing again...maybe even try my
hand at more country songs...we'll see...I'm a moody thing, and have to be in the mood for most things...of course some things i
can always be persuaded to do. hehe. I don't need to learn to read music again tho...the puter programs will put down songs if i sing them or play them on keyboard...so maybe do that down the line...ah, my big plans. So much really to do...and it's been since April since i posted a pic. Gotta get an "NN" one up so i can get a gold shield as a legit poster here.

Take care all...getting sleeeepyyyyy. Maybe get to bed before one.

but when i can, will have plenty of ideas to choose from.
Lately just been looking at lots of pics...so many beautiful folks here! O yeah, and videos toooooo!

LG, you amaze me at the changes you have gone through, and the wonderful pics and vids you do...i really should add you to my fav...but it's hard, there are sooo many i want to add to that, and the list gets longer as i see more people here.

This place keeps me sane alot, it really does, and being willing to accept who i am and to appreciate everyone, all shapes, sizes,ages, etc. My eyes are so opened now to enjoy people and their creativity and sexiness.

Afraid i am still too self-conscious to take the pics i have been requested to take...i mean, it's okay to show my 'good' sides, but people don't think i'm heavy cause the way i take the pics...and i'd prefer they not...i like being someone's fantasy and don't wanna ruin it with reality...i know...contradictory to what i said above about everyone being beautiful, but weight is a tuff one for me, cause i was thin once...eating disorders will do that to a person...till i finally said the hel with fitting into someone else's ideas of what i should be...still...leftover crap is hard to dump. Someday i hope i can overcome that and do some of the pics i dream of doing, and maybe even a vid someday.
I would loveeee to show off for the sweeties on here.

Right now, still recovering from the death of my brother, moving away of friends and total change of who i thot i was. We all mourn something or someone, and it takes time to heal. I say that for all of NN-ers going through their hells, divorce, death, job loss or getting older or whatever.

Those who have the courage to shine here, even through all their daily struggles are people i admire so much...who would have thot
in a place where people post all kinds of personal and sometimes odd stuff, letting us in to their secrets, that we would find so much gold?

You keep me fighting to stay in this life, even when i wanna give up and check out. This is my special place to go when i need cheering and seeing joy that sexuality and sensuality gives
to those who are willing to enjoy it. It's an amazing picker-upper...er...well...you know what i mean. And oooooh boy the fantasies begun from some of the posts and pics of you guys and gals! Whew! It's Summer all year round when i read and see!

Had to post a long one, cause i dunno when i'll do this again.
Be well, all of you...and thank you so very much for being!
T

erotic stuff. It's fun! I like joking with those
who read my stuff too. Now, if I can just find
all the gang who like my pics and have them read!
Come on, you know who you are. Give me some
sexy ideas to write about! diy? olde guy? Rocks?
etc. Cummmmm on gentlemen, start your engines!

I am really enjoying branching out and doing more here.
I love also to watch the regulars try new things, in videos
esp and they amaze me with their playful, joyful attitude!
what a wonderful thing, to enjoy sex, and to share that
delight with others. Thank you to all of you who are doing
that. Keeps the site interesting. I like to see what you all
are 'up' to. ;P You make me braver, by what you do. I...um...
learn alot of things I didn't know, either.