clittylicker's Blog - page 2

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a pile of fresh cow manure:

Due to the fact that it had been hours since she had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate.

Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground.

As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight.

Unfortunately she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?

Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap.

A little boy said "Mummy where do babies come from?"

Mummy: "Daddies make sperm and put it into Mummies tummy"

Boy:"Do Mummies swallow it?"

Mummy:"Only if they want new shoes!"

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears.

"What's the matter?" asks Olaf
.
"Oh," sobs the old lady. "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but, as you can see, there are three steps down into the chiller cabinets."

"No problem," says Olaf, lifting her onto his back. "I'll take you."

Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her.
At the other end the old lady's husband is waiting with her wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you," says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

Olaf just waves and walks off
.
"I was really worried about you," comments the old lady's husband. "What have you been doing?"

" I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."

Jock goes goes on a skiing holiday to Canada .

After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about 5 or 6 whiskies, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall .
He says to the barman “ what the fuck is that ?

Batman replied “it’s a moose”

Jock says “ fuck me, how big are the cats here then”?

A dog and a cat are having an argument on who is the favourite of humans.

The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth (Canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more."

The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know"

A man walks into a bar. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little man, maybe a foot tall, and a little piano. He puts them both on the bar and the little guy starts playing Mozart as the man orders his drink.
The bartender says "I'm sure it's none of my business, but where did you find a little man who plays piano like that?"
The guy says "There's a genie outside granting wishes, I bet he's still there if you hurry."
The bartender runs outside, and moments later a bunch of ducks come in through the front door and start causing a big ruckus. The bartender says "You didn't tell me the genie was deaf, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The guy says
Do you really think I asked for an eleven inch pianist?"

Some more "happy" music from that magic decade, the '60s. The original by the Dave Clark Five and a great cover version by that little leather clad bundle of energy, Suzi Quatro.

Another great hit from the magic age of music - the 60s. From one of the very few successful groups with a female drummer, The Honeycombs

Just a bit of nostalgia from the magic age of pop music, the "Swinging 60s"

Paddy and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Paddy says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred quid. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a Guy pulls up and asks "How much?

"She says, "A hundred quid."

He replies, "All I got is thirty."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Paddy and asks, "What now.
What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job," Paddy replied.

So, she runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty quid is a Hand Job
.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE dick!

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back."

She runs back to Paddy. "What's wrong?" he asks
.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy quid?"