clittylicker's Blog - page 5

My blonde friend said to her husband the other month that she wanted to start trying for a baby,
"Hmmm, I'm not too sure", he replied
"Oh what about if we made a compromise? When it comes to making the baby, you can choose what position we do it in", she said,
"Ok then, anal" he said
They're still trying.

Yesterday my son e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, "like sitting around the pool & drinking wine isn’t a good thing."
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be his favorite topic of conversation.
He is "only thinking of me," he said, & suggested, I go down to the Senior Centre & hang out with the fellas.
So, I did & when I got home, decided to play a prank on him. I sent him an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
He replied, "Are you nuts? You're 67 years-old & now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told him that I even had a Membership Card & e-mailed a copy to him.
Immediately, he telephoned me & yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said, "I signed up for five jumps a week!” The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

[url]https://www.pedestrian.tv/pets/scottish-journo-drop-bear-koala-prank/?fbclid=IwAR0j9fwsiKLR8JB_hLhSiIutiWq1zEy6GLmISXkGIEH7Ntolwuom4fXkdFE[/url]

In memory of a sad Christmas Day in Australia 45 years ago

Hello

I wanted to send some sort of holiday greeting to my friends and colleagues, but it is difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met with my lawyer yesterday, and on advice I wish to say the following :

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress , non addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious / secular persuasions and / or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all .

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2020, but not without due respect for the calendar of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great ( not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country ) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee .

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms :

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her / him or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. The wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher .

Best Regards ( without prejudice )

Name withheld ( Privacy Act ).

...Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves when out shopping and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

...A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Tesco, Costco, or even Asda. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

...Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

...Here's how the scam works:

...Two nice-looking, young girls will come over to your car or van as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and chamois, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look).

...When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

...You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

...I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also October 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

...So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

...Asda have wallets on sale for £2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones at Poundland and bought them out in three of their stores.

...Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 kilos just running back and forth from Tesco, to Asda, to Costco, etc.

...So please, please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

I just saw this on another site. I don't know if it actually happened this way, but it sums up my feelings perfectly:


"<At the hardware store>

Cashier: Military?

Me: <reflexively> Retired.

Cashier: thankwewferyersevich.

Me: <non-committal grunt>

Cashier does cashier things, then..

Cashier: No, I really mean it.

Me: <trying to be polite> Thanks. Appreciate it. I'm in a hurry here.

I wasn't, in a hurry. But I just wanted to buy my stuff. That's it.

Look, I didn't ask for the discount. The cashier noticed my haircut. And that's fine. Being a veteran should maybe be good for something other than a limp and a bad attitude, I guess, and I'm not such a jackass that I won't take a couple of bucks off the price. I'm not trying to be an ass and I'm proud enough of having served. I spent 20 years at it. I'm certainly not ashamed of who I am or bitter about it or disgruntled or PTSD'd or whatever. But, it's not the ONLY thing I am and right now I'm just buying parts for my sprinkler system and I don't want to be reminded of my military service, AGAIN, for the tenth time today by yet another random cashier.

I'm not offended, so much as just tired of the ubiquitous inanity of being thanked for my service over and over. I got it. You're welcome. Let's move the hell on now. Please.

But, it wasn't to be.

Cashier: I don't think the military is appreciated enough in this country.

Me:

Cashier: It's just a shame the way the military is treated.

Me:

Cashier: You guys deserve...

Me: Just, goddamn, man, stop. Just stop. You don't think the military is appreciated in this country? Seriously? There are TWO national holidays dedicated to the military and I don't know how many state holidays. None for teachers or doctors or peacemakers. But two for the military and they're trying to turn all the rest of them into some statement on military service too. Every town in this country suddenly has some sort of park or monument dedicated to veterans. There are parades and fireworks and TV shows. There are TWO Executive departments of our government dedicated to the military. TWO. We spend more than 50% of the national budget on the military. Every car has one of those idiotic magnets on the back of it, or some sort of bumper sticker. I can see THREE of them from here. Every goober in this store is wearing some sort of military shirt with eagles and guns and flags on it. We idolize the military. It's a goddamned fetish! <I might have been shouting by this point> What the hell are you even talking about?

Cashier: Well, liberals are...

Me: Just stop. Fucking stop. Give me my receipt.

He was really young and, yes, YES, I should have been more patient and maybe ... I don't know. It's not my job to deprogram these damned zombies and detox the republican bullshit out of their systems.

The military isn't appreciated in this country? Fuck me.

If only education, healthcare, the environment, or PEOPLE, were "unappreciated" half so much."

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer.
He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'
The woman thinks about this throughout the night but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis."
Come to the game show she has forgotten again, and the presenter asks, "For $100,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds."
"Um... the head."
"Good. Eight seconds."
"Um... the heart."
"That's right. Five seconds."
"Oh... um... damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough! You've won $100,000!"

The advice in this video applies equally to NN - Posting legal sounding jargon, such as a reference to "UCC 1-103 1-308 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED WITHOUT PREJUDICE" in your "About me" on your profile means absolutely diddly squat.