DarkenedAngel's Blog - page 2

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Ok well I'm still up in Derby but I stole my bf's computer so I thought I'd give ya all a quick update, well those of you who want one hehe.

I'm having a blast of a time like I always do when I'm here, in fact I can't believe it's damn Thursday already. I still haven't done any revision for the rest of my exams, but I can get some of that done this afternoon, and I reckon I'll be ok with most of them anyway, I only have to do it because of my damn lecturers.

I got an email off the Uni I wanna go to in September today. Just one of the general mass ones saying about how they hope exams are going ok and that once my place is confirmed after the exam results then they'll send all the info about freshers fortnight and induction and all that sorta stuff. I really can't wait, I'm just so scared that I won't make my grades. I have to get a B and a C from my two full A Levels. I think I can do it, but it's just scary, especially with how bad this year's been.

Well there's kinda a quick update. Not much detail I know but my mind's all hectic and stuff so don't expect much until summer comes around *grins*.

Love and hugs to you all, and I'll post more soon.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

So Mum's decided she's going to Hull to see a mate tomorrow, so instead of getting the train like I always do, she's gonna drive me up. It'll take a little longer but we can leave earlier so I'll get up there around 1:30pm instead of 4:45pm, definitely better in my book.

I'm so nervous though, and it's kinda silly because I've been up there every holiday since last summer, but I think it's just the anticipation of seeing them. Once I see them and hug them and get settled in, I'm immediately fine and have an amazing week.

We're gonna play some games and stuff this time to try and get over all the shyness. Although I've done stuff with him before, I still get really shy even around him and I'm even worse with her, so some games and alcohol and stuff should be great for us, and is gonna be so much fun. Especially seeing how I have exams as soon as I get back to college, I intend to make as much of this week as I possibly can.

Love to you all, have fun in the next week and I'll pop in and update this when I feel like it, I'm sure you won't miss my dodgy ramblings though!

Darkened Angel, signing off.

I got bored last night, so I did a load of quizzes on facebook. They basically all told me I'm obsessed with sex... well tell me something I don't know! I normally I post a lot of shit that I don't have anyone to polish for me on here and I know that. And I know it's all depressing shit and you lovely lot don't wanna sit there and read me moaning for god knows how many paragraphs.

I know that at least one person will read every post I make, and the rest of you can stop reading now if you like (if you ever started in the first place...) but I just want him to know how much I care about him. And seeing how this is a public place where anyone could read what I put, he knows everything I say is the complete and utter truth, no word of a lie.

I was going to post some pics of him to show him off, but I have nowhere to put the images, so I think I'll manage without them. I don't know if any of you have ever looked at his profile, or seen him post in the forums every now and then, but on here his name is chr0nic and it's stupid to try and explain how much I love him. We met nearly two years back now as friends and got to slowly know each other, especially after I split up with my online boyfriend because he was an American dick lol. We didn't meet in person until last year, 10th August to be precise. I think that's the date we're going to use as our anniversary for all three of us.

I can't mention him without mentioning her though. My amazing girlfriend. I love her so much too, the only thing is that I'm a lot shyer around her because we didn't talk for as long as I did with him. I think the way it is... we're more like best friends and sisters. Hopefully we'll stop being so shy and maybe see what happens with anything more than that. I'd love to be closer to her, but we just have to wait and see.

Well at least I'll be with them on Sunday, and then I'll leave you guys for a week while I have fun up there and then harass you all when I get back.

*giggles*

Well sorry for another odd and boring blog peoples. I'm sure one of these days I'll find someone to polish my shit before I subject you all to it.

Love to you all!

Darkened Angel, signing off.

Yesterday was horrible. There is no other word for it, it was just plain horrible and I hated it and yet again I didn't sleep for any longer than 2 hours last night. And it wasn't even last night, it was this morning, once I was all alone I just drifted in and out of consciousness because I'm so tired. I'm even so tired I'm shaking, that must be a first.

So I guess I should explain why yesterday was so horrible. Well it was the one year anniversary of my step brother's death. I know it might not sound like a lot because he was only my step brother and I didn't exactly get on with anyone on Dad's side of the family including that lot... apart from him. He was the closest thing I've ever had to a brother, and seeing how terrible my Dad always was, well he was the only guy I got along with and kinda trusted.

He used to play MMORPGs with me. He helped Dad teach me how to play them actually. We started with Everquest when I was only little. They set me up with a little elfin character and then they'd run and help me when I needed it. Well, my step brother would run and help me when I needed it. Dad was always too busy with some party doing a quest, but he would always leave them and run over to help me either in the game, or come through to where I was in the computer room.

This might not seem like much to most people, but I never really do anything with any of my family. After Dad left us I had to figure everything out on my own pretty much seeing how I was meant to be looking after my 2 year old baby sister when I was 6.

He always wanted to come down from London and see me perform in one of my plays. He could never make it because of where he worked, but he always said that the next time I did a big production I had to tell him and he would do his damn best to come and see me. He always emailed me or left me a note with my Dad saying good luck and that he knew I'd be brilliant. He died the say before my practical exam for my first year drama piece. How ironic.

I don't know why I'm putting all this here. I really have no idea. It kinda hurts not to let it out though and I guess this is the safest place for me to put shit like this. Gotta be strong in my family. Gotta be middle aged by the time you're 14. Well, I had to be.

I don't think I've ever said all this to anyone before, and I know I'm not talking to anyone now specifically, more just unloading it to an unknown source. But I know at least one person will read this, and then maybe he'll understand why MMORPGs actually mean so much to me. More than I ever let on before. He was so awesome last night though. He kept me distracted so I didn't drink myself into a coma, and he sent me off to bed because I looked so knackered.

I wish I could sleep. I'll probably sleep next week, when I'm with them, but until then I doubt I will. Maybe an hour a night if I'm lucky. And if I'm REALLY lucky? I won't get the bad dreams that make me strangle the teddy bear he gave me and shake and cry.

A girl can hope I guess.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

The two exams today didn't go too badly. I have RSI in my wrist so I get a laptop for the exams in a room all on my own, so when I got done early the woman with me let me go early. That was pretty cool. The exams themselves were reasonably easy, but it was only Critical Thinking which has to be possibly the easiest A Level. Ever.

Next one is the first of the Law papers on Friday. I'm kinda worried about it, it's just finding the time to revise the topics I need to, especially when my head is still so messed up.

Oh well, six days and I'll be with my bf and gf again. That's the thought I have to cling to to get through each hour at a time. If I didn't have that... I think I'd completely lose it. As compared to only partially losing it of course.

.

Head go boom.

'Nuff said.

So my gf is American. She is one of the most kind, genuine, gorgeous, thoughtful, amazing people I could ever meet. Thing is, her visa is running out and she has to take the Citizenship test thingy. Now, the three of us are probably the biggest worriers ever, but I know there's nothing we can do to influence the decision made on whether she stays or whether she has to go home.

My bf is in bits about this. He's completely lost it, and that makes perfect sense, because it IS his wife. I understand him losing it, because I've lost it too, but he doesn't seem to want to listen to reason. He just goes on and on and on about things, and about how he's going to lose everything if she gets sent home. I try to tell him he wont lose everything, things will get sorted out, no one's going to leave him.

I seriously understand why he's so out of it, I do, and I know he's always worried about things but it's just... well it's not helping anything. I'm trying to help him but I don't know how. I know how to kinda temper my worries and rationalise them so I can put them to the back of my mind, but it doesn't seem to work with him. I know she's worried too obviously, but I think we're trying not to talk about it too much, just help her study for the test whenever I can.

I cut myself today. I haven't in around four months and now I have again. I had a terrible dream and woke up crying and shaking, and what with the two of them being so caught up in all her stuff, I don't wanna put all my problems onto them. I have exams coming up that determine whether I'm gonna get into University or not and I'm so worried about them. I know hers is a little different, it's whether she stays here or has to go back to America, but then again if I fail my exams then my life is all messed up and I don't know what I'll do.

I wish I could help them. I wish there was something I could do to distract them or take some of the worry away or make it a little easier. I know that at the moment I'm just floating in the background, I mean, he was with her first and although I know we're all equal, I also know that right now, I'm not quite as important as she is, and I AM ok with that, I just don't want to get so much worse so he feels like he has to deal with me as well as everything else going on right now.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

College tomorrow.





Bugger.