DarkenedAngel's Blog - page 3

I love my boyfriend, Truly I do, but you know what, sometimes it's like he doesn't listen to anything or get anything I'm trying to say or how much things mean to me. In SL (SecondLife), I was a Gorean slave for a while. Not heavy going or anything, just with a friend going through some of the rules and stuff. We had a lot of fun with it because of my nature, I'm generally submissive most of the time so it was good for me to explore that side of things.

Well that's about all I know of relationships. Seriously. I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend apart from my online ones, so I find it really hard to show affection to anyone, especially a boyfriend or girlfriend. Well from my whole time as a slave, I picked up one of the customs which is where the slave would kneel with their palms face up on their knees, and sometimes with their legs slightly apart to show their willingness to their partner/Master/Mistress and to show openness.

Now I know this might seem to be an odd way to show affection, but it's one of the only things I know, and it's one of the things that means a lot to me, because after that Master/Slave relationship, I had a really hard time getting things back on track, so everything from that time means a lot to me if I trust someone enough to share it with.

He hates anything Gor. But it's not the link with Gor that makes me do it, it's the fact that it's one of the few ways to show affection I know. And I don't know if he even realises that, because every time he just tells me to get up and stop being like that. It kinda hurts. Well no, it doesn't kinda hurt, it hurts a lot. I know that might be stupid but it does.

I'm not good at things, I'm not the best at anything. I don't stand out, I don't know how to show affection and I don't know how to be in a relationship. I just don't know any of it. I start to get good at one thing, but there's always someone in my friendship group who's better. He doesn't seem to get that either. But then he's best at something. He was the best builder in SL, the best entertainer out of us all, so it probably doesn't seem to matter as much to him. I'm not best at anything. I just hang there, having to be content being second all the time.

And the one thing I was good at? I was always the strongest in MMORPGs. Always the one who saved everyone's asses, killed the fasted, was the best one to level up with because I was always that little bit ahead. And now I'm not the best at that any more either. It might not mean a lot to you, or him, but it means so much to me. It's the one thing I've been doing since I was little. The ONE thing my Dad taught me when I was younger. And now I'm second at that too.

I know most of this must make me seem really pathetic, but it hurts. And yes, I hurt easily, but that doesn't make it any easier, or better.

Sorry to whine on so much.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

If I ever see another transcript again, I'm going to cry more than I have already tonight. I never knew I would ever hate English coursework QUITE this much.

Oh well, maybe if I go to bed now (it's 4:35am) then I'll pass out and not cut myself like I REALLY want to right now.

I wish there was someone to hold me.

Apologies for typos and grammar errors in the last post, crying and typing don't mix *smiles weakly*

Last week was one of the best weeks of my life, like weeks with my boyfriend and girlfriend always are. I felt so safe, so loved, so cared for. And now I'm back in the place I am supposed to call home because the people I am meant to call my family are here. But this isn't home, and these people aren't my family. My home is where my heart stays, where it goes back to after it's been ripped away from me, leaving only enough to keep me alive, and my family is in the same place. With them, with their family.

I can't begin to describe how much it hurts to be away from them for even a minute. Not knowing where they are if they go 'brb' on yahoo, or if they go to sleep before me or wake up after me. I don't know what to do with myself when they're not there, and I don't want to be without them. As I type this I sit here with tears marking my cheeks I miss them so much and I'm talking to one of them right now. It's just not the same as being with them.

Yes I still have relapses when I'm with them. I still want to hurt myself, I still have panic attacks and freak out, but they can hold me down, calm me until it passes a little. My boyfriend let go one of the times. I was so bad I think I was yelling at them so he let me go. I knew he would but it still... I don't know. I guess I kinda guarantee on them not giving up on me, never letting go. She didn't, but I guess I'm a little closer to him only because I've talked to him more over the time we've been together. I'm getting so much closer to her, it feels so warm, so comforting to have someone there like she is. He's there but it's not quite the same, there will always be things he doesn't understand and I think he knows that, but it is almost like most of the time me and her are two parts of the same person and it has just taken us this time to find each other.

It's why I can't bear to be without them for even the smallest amount of time, and every second I spend with them at the moment goes too fast because I know that once a certain time comes, I have to leave them. Turning my back on them and getting on a train wrenches me apart, I know it does. Every time I have to do it I leave another little bit of me behind, and my heart rips a little more.

I don't know what I'd do if I ever had to cope without them, and even now when I know I still have them, we're just not together I feel so alone and so ill. I go to bed and I cry, holding anything close to me that has they're scent on it, or anything they've given me or reminds me of them. It must sound desperate, but it's the only way I can get through the night even though I know they're with me in everything but body.

I even rang him last night. We were talking on yahoo and I had to ring him just so I could hear his voice say night and that he loves me and tell me to sleep. He keeps telling me my whole life can't be them, and I know that, but what I have to try and let him realise is that they're the biggest part of my life and I love it that way, and that when I don't have them near me, I don't know what to do. When I go to uni I'll be so much closer to them and will be able to get to them whenever I want or need to. Now if I need them I have to make do with a message or a phone call, webcam if we can but that's all.

What I'd give right now for a hug, to feel myself in their arms and to know I'm loved and safe and cared for. I can't be alone any more. I've been alone my whole life and now I have people who make it so that it doesn't have to be that way any more and I've had to leave them again and I probably won't see them until September. July if I'm extremely lucky, but that would be super extreme luck.

If I had one wish, I would wish to be with them. I wouldn't care what I'd have to leave behind. If I had the courage and it wouldn't cause so much shit as I know it would if I tried it now, I'd run to them. Just buy the train ticket, get a friend to drop me at the station and go tomorrow. Unfortunately I don't have the courage, and rationally, I don't have the luck to have that kind of option.

I wish I did.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

I'd nearly finished today's entry... and then I closed the browser by accident. OK I can't put myself through writing all that again. How stupid is that? I already wrote it all down and now I can't bring myself to do it just once more because I closed the page. It makes no logical sense.

I miss my logic. When I could assess a situation objectively and see what had to be done, then have the strength to do it. What an ability it was. Oh I still have some sense of logic, but I can't seem to use it. I'll write in full tomorrow, when hopefully, I'll have actually BEEN to college. Instead of today... when I didn't go... because last night I tried to do the most stupid thing and when I woke up this morning I had a splitting headache and then threw up.

Anyway, love to you all and I hope everyone's having a better time of it than me at the moment.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

I thought I'd be able to even possibly attempt to write about the weekend I've had, but I guess not. I try, and I can't bring myself to do it. Guess I'm not as strong as I thought I was once upon a time. I'll write more when I can. Love to you all.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

Meanie, thank you for your words. You're right, nothing or as little is necessary is better than the bullshit some people try and spew out at you. I guess I know that somewhere along the line things won't hurt as much any more, but until then... well things are more difficult than they appear on the surface.

Today was just as bad as the last. Although something has to be said for breaking down in front of an entire law class and your lecturer and reverting to behaving like a four year old. Even one of my classmates noticed and pointed out afterwards that I sounded like I'd become a small child, and that I was trying to hug myself and was rocking saying over and over again 'don't hurt me, don't hurt me'.

I gather that this four year old state is from just after my younger sister was born, when I got ignored, when no one held me when I hurt myself or when I cried. When I was hit when I cried, but no one never knew. I guess people know now. I couldn't cry because I got hurt, never badly enough to show physically, but emotionally? Well you tell me what happens when you ignore a four year old, and when you don't ignore them, you hit them.

If only there was someone to be right beside me and hold me. Keep me safe when I cry and hurt, hold me still in their arms when I rock myself to a slow, uneven sleep, and to wake me when I have bad dreams. I know I have that, but hours away from me. I have it once every 2 months if I'm lucky.

And the rest of the time? Well you see what happens when you leave a four year old to fend for itself. How fragile, easily breakable and scared she becomes.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

Amusing how strangely and insanely calm a breakdown can leave us. Insanely being the operative word in that phrase. Crying and crying is never a good thing and now... well now I feel numb. My mind has, to put it in blatant terms, gone boom. And now I feel cold and tired and like a small child who needs constant attention because of how fragile she has become, and all in the space of a single English class.

I know I've been building to this for a while, and I've tried to stop it from happening, tried to distract myself from it. Guess I didn't do a good enough job and now I have to pay the price. It's a strange feeling to feel so vulnerable. I don't even have the energy to hide it from anyone now, there's no point pretending I'm OK when it's just not worth the effort, and people will see through it now anyway.

Despite how good I want to feel, it's just not happening. I can't help feeling all this pain and sorrow inside me. I can't make it go away, and I can't figure out what specifically is causing so much of this pain because I can't stand to face it and try and work through it. All I know is that right now I hurt more than I ever had before, the people who can help it are 3 hours away (and until I can see them in three weeks I only have them through the internet), and I'm so fragile that I'm childlike even in mentality. It's a wonder that I'm managing to write this now.

I hope this doesn't affect me as much as it feels like it is. I can't afford to waste time in the next few weeks when I have work to finish for college. Maybe I won't have a choice.

Darkened Angel, signing off.

Firstly, thank you to Kricket... a safety net is a lovely thing to have, and I am so grateful that I have one here. Sometimes a safety net is one of the only things that can keep us from feeling like a fall will be the end.

Today has been a lighter day than normal. For one thing I didn't have to attend college today, my lecturers were called to other things so I could stay home. A day at home should be the thing that clears my mind, especially when today is the day of the full moon. It was not to be today however. There was the small matter that I had to go to the doctors.

I have an irrational phobia of doctors. How this occurred I have no idea, but somewhere along the line I have acquired it. This meant I spent the majority of the morning in a frenzied state, becoming more and more nervous about the approaching time I had to leave the house and go to the feared place. It turned out positively though. My doctor said she would write a letter for my college so I can get a scribe for the exams in May/June, and I am now also on one of the mini contraceptive pills.

How strange it is that I, the good, golden girl who never smoked, never drank, never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend and was not kissed until she was 17, is now smoking occasionally, drinking like her life depends on it, and not taking a contraceptive pill to only do something about her periods.

Although I do wonder now if my boyfriend would worry less about being with me if I'm taking them. We don't spend as much time together as we'd like, seeing how we are 300-ish miles apart. It's a gorgeous relationship though. There's three of us, and although I miss him and her when I'm away, I live for the times we spend together, and it's always when I'm happiest, when I feel most loved. Maybe now he'll be less scared, worried, reluctant, whatever he is to be with me.

Maybe it's selfish of me to want him so badly. I know there are difficulties, fears and the such-like to overcome, but I can't help myself from wanting can I? Or should I be able to stop it? Maybe I'm selfish to want it so much, maybe I should be able to wait until everything is exactly right, until he's not worrying too much about everything.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

Darkened Angel, signing off.